The Mystery of Vocation

     It is my last day at home, but somehow it hasn't hit me yet. The monastery I'm entering feels very distant when I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch, or sprawled on the couch with a cup of tea and a blanket, or out shopping, or watching a movie. And yet, I know I couldn't stay like this. It's similar to how I felt going to college: I don't really know what to expect, but I know I'm doing the right thing, and I know that if I didn't go I would feel like I had never really begun my life.
     It's the feeling of blooming or coming out of a chrysalis, I guess. You know it will be hard and so, so different, and it's kind of scary, but there's no part of you that wishes you could go back to the way it was before, when you were a bud or a caterpillar. What butterfly wishes it were still a caterpillar? It's a poor analogy for the romance of God drawing a soul to Himself, but it's the best I can think of. Like all worthwhile things, it will be difficult. Of course I'll miss so many aspects of my life as it is right now - I'd be crazy not to - but I think it will be the way we miss the days of our childhood, looking back on them fondly, but not seriously wishing to go back to them. Jesus never promised a life of ease; in fact, He warned us of just the opposite. But He also said, "everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life." (Matthew 19:29)

     I believe that God created my soul for consecrated life. I believe it for a number of reasons, but the predominant one is that I desire to be a nun more than I've ever desired anything else. It comes with a sense both of urgency and of deep peace; a still, small voice. I worried, when I was younger, about how I was going to know when God was calling me to a specific vocation. Little did I know that He was already calling me, gently, even then. Every little part of my personality, every one of my interests, every bit of my being is marked with my vocation. That's why answering God's call didn't feel like making a decision; it felt like making a discovery. Cracking the code - or really being shown the solution - to who I am.
     It's something people noticed in me almost before I noticed it in myself. I can think of many times when I've been told I would make a good sister. When I made a quick visit to the Norbertines this summer, I brought along a few friends, and afterwards they said they could tell how happy I was at the monastery. I hadn't been conscious of any change in my own demeanor, but they could see it in me.
     If I were to give advice to someone on how to find their vocation, I would say this: it's already there inside of you, because God knew you before He formed you in the womb, and He created you for a reason. So take an honest look at yourself, your interests, and your desires, and then give it to Him to show you what to make of it all. Pray with St. Alphonsus Liguori, "Grant that I may love You always, and then do with me as You will."

Let me suffer for You

     My constant prayer in these last few days before entering convent has been both "Jesus, let me suffer for You" and "Jesus, give me strength."

     Up until now I have had a very comfortable and easy life. Nothing really tragic or difficult has ever happened to me, and somehow I've always felt that it was because God was preparing me for something. I guess this is it - the "white martyrdom" of religious life. It reminds me of my patroness, St. Therese. She was the spoiled youngest daughter of her family, and had never really known suffering before becoming a Carmelite. Well, the same is true for me, in a way; I have never had anything important to worry me, and now I am becoming a Norbertine. That probably means I will have a harder time with some aspects of the life than some of the other sisters. But if I give that to Jesus, then He can use even my naivete and ignorance to save souls. I only need Him to give me courage.

     So many times I've asked Him why He blessed me the way He did. There can be few with the comforts of home, wealth, loving family, and good education that I have, and yet there are countless people more deserving of it. In His unspeakable mercy He gave me a life that some would dream of having. I will never understand why. I'm just doing what I can to repay Him for it. He has made my childhood and growing-up a joy and a perfect picture, so I will try to give Him my adult life and return to Him all that time spent in comfort. What would my life mean if I never suffered at all? Religious life certainly isn't anywhere near the worst kind of suffering, but I hope it will make up for a tiny fraction of His unmerited kindness to me. To give myself to Him is the best way I can think of to show my gratitude. 

     "From the one to whom much is entrusted, even more will be demanded," Jesus says (Luke 12:48). My life isn't much to demand - I am only one person in a world of billions - but it is the most that I can give. I pray that the Lord will give me strength to give it freely.

Leaving College

     What a summer! Getting ready to enter a convent feels a bit like planning a wedding. Well, maybe not a wedding, but planning to get married. I am just ready for the preparation process to be over, so I can start my new life!

     I spent the summer on campus, working in the TAC admissions office. It was great to be on campus in the peace and quiet, and to have time to do things I don't normally have time for during the school year. It almost felt like a three-month-long retreat. I was also able to get together with friends before leaving campus for good. It doesn't feel real yet that I'll never be back there, but I'm guessing it'll sink in once I start cloistered life. 

     TAC was a blessing in my life in so many ways. On the academic side, of course, college was amazing. I spent two years reading and thinking in company with others who were reading and thinking, and for a temperament like mine, that's a little slice of Heaven. But beyond the academics, there was so much more that I learned from college, about God, myself, others, the Church...the list goes on. And I met people who have had a profound and lasting influence on me as a person.

     And, of course, if I hadn't gone to TAC I would never have even thought of visiting the Norbertine sisters! I can't credit TAC with my knowing about them at all, but I can credit it with making me actually notice them. One of our on-campus chaplains is a Norbertine, and we've had others visit now and then, which makes a strong presence for a little-known order. (Have I ever mentioned the beautiful variety of chaplains we have? -- A diocesan priest, a Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Norbertine, all living with us and being our spiritual fathers.) In addition to that, campus is within easy driving distance of the sisters' monastery in Tehachapi, which is really what made visiting them feasible before the beginning of sophomore year. And again at Easter, and a couple of times this summer. 

     It's funny, because as indecisive as I am, I never once wavered in my decision to go to TAC (which, by the way, I made when I was nine years old). I'd often wondered why I was so certain about that one aspect of my life, and discovering my vocation to the Norbertine order gave me the answer. God put me in the perfect position to be open and available to receive His call. I would never have come to California otherwise, and now I'll be spending the rest of my life there. So nothing was an accident, or a weird fluke. The Holy Spirit drew my heart west before I realized what was happening.

     Saying goodbye to my family this summer was really hard, and saying goodbye to school was hard too. Especially right now that the school year has already begun, and my friends are telling me about their new classes and tutors, there is a bit of a feeling of being left out. I think that'll go away once I get settled at the monastery, though. I'm "left out" now, but soon I will be included in something greater. This in-between period is weird, but I guess that happens with any transition.

     Anyway, it was a wonderful and prayerful summer, and I really am ready for my entrance, with apprehensions about it only coming up occasionally. I know God's got me, and so does my confirmation saint, St. Therese, who was also a cloistered nun! If she can do it, so can I, with her prayers. And a lot of other people's prayers.

A Love Story

     Anyone who knows me knows uncertainty scares me. I'm terrible at making decisions and I'm afraid of commitment for the most part. So how am I ever going to find a religious community to join, let alone actually join one?
     Well, God took care of that for me a long time ago, without my realizing it.
     And now here I am, preparing to enter the Norbertine order as a Canoness of the Bethlehem Priory of St. Joseph. Not only joining a convent, but leaving college to do so. That's a pretty drastic decision. But really, it wasn't my decision. It was God's decision, and He made it a long time ago. He just showed it to me over Easter.

     I feel as though my life has always been a puzzle, with pieces strewn here and there, and I didn't know they were connected or even that there was a puzzle. But God knew, and he put all the pieces in front of me. The solution was right there, but it took one intense Triduum and a few nuns to show me how to solve it. And now it all makes sense, and I am amazed I didn't see it before; but maybe I wasn't meant to see it before.
     The Norbertine Order fits my personality perfectly. I would say that it's like God took my personality and interests and made a religious order out of them, but it's more the other way around: He took an order and made a person to belong to it. Now I know why I never felt at home in other orders: there was still one out there for me! I never imagined it would be this, well, easy to join a convent. They say that you can be pretty confident you're doing God's will when you start doing it and obstacles just kind of...melt away. I've definitely experienced that so far. For example, my student debt to pay off before entering was thousands of dollars less than I expected it to be. Thank you, TAC financial aid! Other such small things have occurred which indicate, it seems to me, that I'm on the right track.
     Obviously, it's going to be difficult in a lot of ways. One of the few disadvantages of a large family is I'm leaving a lot behind when I leave the world! I will never be around to watch my nieces and nephews grow up and I'll never go to the weddings of the rest of my siblings. But at the same time, what a deep and profound spiritual bond I can have with my family members and friends, as I give up my whole life in prayer and penance for them and for the world! I will be like their full-time spiritual tech support. Frankly, I will be a lot more useful to them than in any other circumstance.
     This whole year leading up to the discovery of my vocation has been a lesson in love. Freshman year for me was all about learning to trust God, and in a similar way the theme of sophomore year was learning to love. Love God, love other people, love myself, love life and the joys and sufferings that come with it. Learning to love every minute He gives me and live it to the fullest. It is through love that we have life and "have it abundantly".
     Learning to love will be a slow process for me. It's a good thing you don't have to already be holy to enter a convent! I have so much to learn from my Sisters, and they - God bless them - will have a lot to put up with from me. One of the sisters told me their community would be a challenge for me, but I wonder if I might end up as more of a challenge for them! Praise God for His mercy in giving us the grace to live out our vocation well; otherwise, I think it would be next to impossible.
     I am terrified yet excited to begin this new adventure. It takes a lot of faith going into something with so many unknowns, but God has gotten me this far and if I just follow, He'll lead me where I need to go. Prayers for me during my preparation and entrance would be greatly appreciated. Saying good-bye to the world is hard, and saying hello to religious life will probably be just as hard, but it will be worth it! After all, the Lord tells us to leave our families and everything behind to follow Him. It's easier said than done, but with the help of a multitude of prayers and plenty of grace from God, I know I can do it.

Weddings, Concerts, and Future Plans

Here I am, sitting on my bed under a blanket and drinking decaf earl grey with whole milk. The floor of my room is littered with suitcases, one full, two half-full, and one empty. Also a drawer from my dresser is on the floor, don't ask about that. Packing is an ordeal when you're flying to college.

I'm on my computer, trying to put my last few days of wifi to good use. Because, you guessed it, there ain't no wifi at TAC. *collective gasp* So naturally, blogging won't happen as much during the school year.

I will definitely try to keep up on posts, especially since I'll have lots of grand new photos of California life to make you all jealous in the winter. But, as I'll be in an actual class schedule (first time for everything, kids), skipping off to the mailroom to hook up to ethernet will probably be seldom.

Anyway, my current plan is to post at least once a month. We'll see how that goes. For now, here are some recent photos!

We went to the wedding of a family friend on Saturday. It was a really fun day! 

Yes, I took off my shoes as soon as was socially acceptable

The Pepinos came up for the wedding and we did a little of the sculpture walk downtown between Mass and the reception. You probably remember 5-year-old Josie from Isabel's wedding!

Last weekend we drove up to Aberdeen for Tessie's honor choir concert. It's so great to pass the honor choir baton! She will have a great junior year!

And today was the last day of my summer job! It would have been a lot less fun working as a research assistant for Dad's center if Susannah hadn't been working alongside me all summer! We kept each other awake and shared snacks and commiserated over Google Scholar and Excel. What more could you ask for?

T-minus three days until I'm a California girl!!

Matt & Isabel's Wedding

At last, the long-awaited day arrived! I don't have very many pictures, but here are the few I took.

Visit to Priory of Our Lady at Ephesus

     I spent last week in Gower, MO visiting the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles. It was a fruitful and enlightening visit, and I learned so much!

Flying into Kansas City.

I didn't quite know what to expect going in, as I had never spent significant time with a contemplative community. The idea of contemplative life was very attractive to me, though, so I went in with an open mind.
     The first thing that struck me was the silence. I had experienced monastic silence before, but not to this degree. And I found it to be liberating. Your mind is so much freer to focus on your work and prayer when it isn't interrupted by conversation. The loudest sounds throughout the day are the bell and the laughter of the sisters. As a naturally very quiet person, it gave me a sense of peace.
     Chanting the full Office in Latin had an otherworldly quality, to me. Even when chanting on a single tone, the act of singing rather than speaking the Psalms seems more prayerful, as you have more time to focus on the words you're repeating. And to sing the Office in the language of the Church which has been used for thousands of years simply makes sense. Pray the ancient prayers of the Church in the ancient language of the Church.
     Work is a big part of Benedictine spirituality. I was a little doubtful about that aspect of it, as anyone could tell you I'm much more of an intellectual than a worker. But when nestled in between hours of time in the chapel, eight times a day, the work becomes an extension of the prayer. Since we worked in silence, there was plenty of opportunity for reflection and meditation while working. My favorite job I had was helping make the habits for the postulants whose Investiture is coming up.
     It was a joy to attend Mass in the Extraordinary Form every day that week. I plan to go to EF daily Mass in college, and since we don't have that opportunity at home, it was nice to get back into the rhythm of it.
     Speaking of rhythm, that's really the most prominent quality of monastic contemplative life. It took me a few days to adjust to the pace of life there, but once I did, the consistent rhythm of it was peaceful and comforting. I learned so much about religious life just by participating in the sisters' life. It was definitely a "hands-on" sort of experience, and I am thankful for that. The sisters aren't afraid of work, they aren't afraid of silence, and they aren't afraid of prayer. I found myself looking at the postulants in the chapel, and thinking how much courage they have to give up the comforts of the world in order to live this life, completely directed towards God. Nothing binds them there but love.
     This visit gave me a lot to think about. As far as my discernment is concerned, I am only more confident than ever that going to college is the right thing to do and that TAC is the best place I could be to continue discerning. So that's a relief. But it is hard to trust God and seemingly wait around for Him to show me what to do. From visiting the Benedictines, my suspicions were confirmed that I am more suited to contemplative life than to active life. But specifically being a Benedictine...I don't know if I could aspire to those heights. I think I may be too much of an academic to sincerely throw myself into a life so centered on manual labor. It would certainly be a great privilege to find out I'm called there! The sisters are so beautiful and inspiring. My visit to them has made me a better Catholic, for sure. And maybe, for now, that's all I need to focus on.

Why every Catholic girl should look into religious life.

     Ask a Catholic mother you know--maybe your own--if she ever considered religious life. Chances are, she'll say no.
    Why not? Maybe it was never presented to her as a viable option. Maybe she didn't think she had a vocation. Maybe she simply didn't know anything about it.
     Growing up in a Catholic homeschool family surrounded by Catholic homeschool families, I always knew about religious life and considered it just as real a vocation possibility as marriage. I was exposed to religious sisters from a very young age (I don't remember not knowing any). I remember having childhood conversations with my friends in which we would say, "do you want to get married or be a nun?" I myself never quite knew how to answer that. Now I do. And knowing the answer to that question has brought me more joy and peace than I ever would have thought.

     So here's why I think every Catholic girl should look into religious life:

     1. Why not?

     Imagine this: you're an old woman, 70 or 80, looking back on your life. Maybe you're married with children and grandchildren. Maybe you're a sister. Maybe you're single. Regardless of your state in life, will you really regret having considered religious life? If you're married or single, at least you know what you could have done. If you're a sister, you'll be so glad you even thought to consider it. There is no downside to exploring the options. And, once you open your heart up to God's will like that, your vocation will become clear.

     2. Religious life is an actual thing, guys.

     I think we can all agree that not everyone is called to be married and raise children. Some girls, myself included, simply don't have that maternal, wife-y sort of quality. And that's as it should be. If people are worried about overpopulation, they should encourage more people to look into celibate life. (Kidding. But you get the point.) The world needs balance. Just like not everyone can--or should--be a leader (if we're all leaders, who's being led?), not everyone can or should be married. It's an amazing and selfless act to give yourself and your whole life to a single human in that way. The marriage vow, and motherhood, are unfathomably beautiful things, as I've come to realize more and more during my discernment. But some girls are called to be a different kind of beautiful. Instead of giving their life to a man, body and soul, they're called to live only for God. Body and soul. What a privilege, to be asked by your Creator to be His bride. 

     3. It will strengthen your relationship with God.

     When I went on my first nun-run, I thought my prayer life was pretty good. Ha. In those six days, I learned so much about prayer, virtue, and giving your life to God in general. One of my favorite take-aways from that trip was a love for praying the Liturgy of the Hours. Such beautiful, ancient prayers. And to drop everything seven times a day to praise God, what could be better?

     Besides learning new ways to pray, you'll find yourself closer to Jesus than ever before. As I mentioned earlier, when you open yourself to His will like that, He rewards you. The simple act of being willing to look into consecrated life makes you listen more closely for His will for you. And that gives Him an opportunity to tell you what He's been longing to tell you since He created you. 

     Every time I go on a retreat or convent visit, I come home with renewed peace and gratitude for God. I've never felt closer to Him than while spending time with His chosen ones, His brides. It's easy to be good in places like that. It's always hard to leave. And when I get home, I redouble my efforts to live for Him and Him alone in my present situation.

     4. Meeting sisters, yes please.

     So, in case you weren't aware, sisters are the actual coolest people ever. Everyone should hang out with them. That vague image in your head of a crumbling, dreary convent like the one in Sound of Music? Yeah. Destroy it. If you think sisters are boring, you clearly haven't spent time with one. They live in a freedom that allows them to be so rigorously alive--and it shows. I've done lots of crazy and fun things with sisters, including Irish dancing, playing basketball, taking the ornaments off a 20-ft Christmas tree, cooking, cleaning, playing games....they make everything fun. Trust me. You think you don't like sweeping? Try doing it with three sisters while you talk and sing and laugh. When every act is a gift to God, everything becomes saturated with meaning and joy.

     5. You might fall in love.

     To fall in love with God, the Author of love. What's more romantic than that? The amazing thing about being in love with God is that He loves you so much more than you can ever love Him. That's one faithful spouse we're talking about. Why wouldn't you want to give your life to Someone who gives you everything, who loves nothing better than to make you happy? Jesus weeps with joy when we say yes to Him. He is so full of love for us. It's hard to say no to a love like that. It kind of sweeps you off your feet. Like a good romance should.

     All that to say, if you haven't considered religious life, do it. Talk to that random sister you see. Go on a nun run. Look up religious houses in your area. Research different orders. Visit them for a day or two. I promise, only good will come out of it. 

     

Easter

He is risen as He said! Alleluia!

The reason for the lack of Triduum posts is that we were so busy--Tessie and I sang for Holy Thursday Mass, Good Friday Stations, Good Friday Liturgy, Easter Vigil, and Easter Morning Mass. Now that it's all done, we can catch our breaths...and post pictures.
Tessie and I once again documented our church-singing via snapchat, but we were so busy that I forgot to save most of the pictures.
Holy Thursday Mass, as I've said before, is my favorite Mass of the year. As usual, I had to blink back tears as we began the Pange Lingua and processed with the Blessed Sacrament to the Altar of Repose. What a gift to mankind.
Good Friday liturgy was beautiful. It is so profound: the priests prostrating themselves before the altar after entering in silence, the solemn intercessions, the Passion reading, the veneration of the Cross. Every year I appreciate it more. Tessie and I sang a cappella the original Pange Lingua Gloriosi by Venantius Fortunatus. "Sing my tongue the glorious battle, sing the last, the dread afray..." ending with the Crux Fidelis verse.
The choir sings every Easter Vigil, and because of the scale of the Mass, we have several different cantors take turns. Tessie and I were one of those, so we were in and out all night, on our feet a lot. There were three baptisms and four first Communions and Confirmations. What a special celebration to be a part of--basically a 2.5-hour party. The part that always gives me chills is the Exsultet. The words get me every time. And the Litany of the Saints is wonderful, too.
Our church had three Masses on Easter morning, and Tessie and I were cantors for the last one. After Mass we ate brunch as a family and took it easy for the rest of the day.
It's a dream of mine to experience the Holy Triduum in a monastic setting. One day...

I'll gather up some more pictures and post them later in the week. Happy Easter!

Chicago pt 2: Saturday and Sunday

Saturday morning began with brunch at a nice place called The Dawson. After a delicious meal, we headed for the Art Institute of Chicago.

It was rainy and foggy. 

Some of the buildings disappeared in the fog!

The first place we explored was the Impressionist area.

Chrysanthemums by Renoir.

Degas Dancer!

A Van Gogh self-portrait.

There was a whole room of Monet, including some of his water lilies and haystacks!

Next we headed to European pre-impressionist art.

The grandiose staircase.

Tessie and I had some photography fun.

Seurat's Sunday Afternoon at La Grande Jatte

There were several El Greco paintings, too.

This was a Mexican painting called The Divine Sheperdess--La Divina Pastora.

The famous "Arrangement in Gray and Black," or Whistler's Mother, was back in Chicago after being away on exhibit. 

Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks."

More Degas dancers!

Mary Cassat

Patrick also took some of the two of us.

Georgia O'Keefe

Edward Munch, of "the Scream" fame

Degas

After finishing at the Art Institute, we went across the street to an architecture place where there is a scale model of downtown Chicago. We had fun looking at the places we had been and finding certain buildings.

For the rest of the afternoon we did some shopping until dinner, which was at a fancy French-Vietnamese Fusion restaurant. 

Sunday morning we skipped brunch and had breakfast at home instead, before going to Mass at St. John Cantius. It was a gorgeous Mass, the Novus Ordo in Latin, and the choir sang a baroque Mass for the music. 

Then we walked a couple of blocks to a coffee shop...

...then we took a cab to a delicious Irish ice cream place, because why not.

Our flight was supposed to be at 4pm, so we headed to the airport. (It was actually delayed 1.5 hours because the plane had been struck by lightning, but at least we were on time.)

It was an amazing weekend which we'll never forget! Thank you, Patrick!!

Some happy daffodils awaited us at home.