The Mystery of Vocation

     It is my last day at home, but somehow it hasn't hit me yet. The monastery I'm entering feels very distant when I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch, or sprawled on the couch with a cup of tea and a blanket, or out shopping, or watching a movie. And yet, I know I couldn't stay like this. It's similar to how I felt going to college: I don't really know what to expect, but I know I'm doing the right thing, and I know that if I didn't go I would feel like I had never really begun my life.
     It's the feeling of blooming or coming out of a chrysalis, I guess. You know it will be hard and so, so different, and it's kind of scary, but there's no part of you that wishes you could go back to the way it was before, when you were a bud or a caterpillar. What butterfly wishes it were still a caterpillar? It's a poor analogy for the romance of God drawing a soul to Himself, but it's the best I can think of. Like all worthwhile things, it will be difficult. Of course I'll miss so many aspects of my life as it is right now - I'd be crazy not to - but I think it will be the way we miss the days of our childhood, looking back on them fondly, but not seriously wishing to go back to them. Jesus never promised a life of ease; in fact, He warned us of just the opposite. But He also said, "everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields, for my name’s sake, will receive a hundredfold, and will inherit eternal life." (Matthew 19:29)

     I believe that God created my soul for consecrated life. I believe it for a number of reasons, but the predominant one is that I desire to be a nun more than I've ever desired anything else. It comes with a sense both of urgency and of deep peace; a still, small voice. I worried, when I was younger, about how I was going to know when God was calling me to a specific vocation. Little did I know that He was already calling me, gently, even then. Every little part of my personality, every one of my interests, every bit of my being is marked with my vocation. That's why answering God's call didn't feel like making a decision; it felt like making a discovery. Cracking the code - or really being shown the solution - to who I am.
     It's something people noticed in me almost before I noticed it in myself. I can think of many times when I've been told I would make a good sister. When I made a quick visit to the Norbertines this summer, I brought along a few friends, and afterwards they said they could tell how happy I was at the monastery. I hadn't been conscious of any change in my own demeanor, but they could see it in me.
     If I were to give advice to someone on how to find their vocation, I would say this: it's already there inside of you, because God knew you before He formed you in the womb, and He created you for a reason. So take an honest look at yourself, your interests, and your desires, and then give it to Him to show you what to make of it all. Pray with St. Alphonsus Liguori, "Grant that I may love You always, and then do with me as You will."

Leaving College

     What a summer! Getting ready to enter a convent feels a bit like planning a wedding. Well, maybe not a wedding, but planning to get married. I am just ready for the preparation process to be over, so I can start my new life!

     I spent the summer on campus, working in the TAC admissions office. It was great to be on campus in the peace and quiet, and to have time to do things I don't normally have time for during the school year. It almost felt like a three-month-long retreat. I was also able to get together with friends before leaving campus for good. It doesn't feel real yet that I'll never be back there, but I'm guessing it'll sink in once I start cloistered life. 

     TAC was a blessing in my life in so many ways. On the academic side, of course, college was amazing. I spent two years reading and thinking in company with others who were reading and thinking, and for a temperament like mine, that's a little slice of Heaven. But beyond the academics, there was so much more that I learned from college, about God, myself, others, the Church...the list goes on. And I met people who have had a profound and lasting influence on me as a person.

     And, of course, if I hadn't gone to TAC I would never have even thought of visiting the Norbertine sisters! I can't credit TAC with my knowing about them at all, but I can credit it with making me actually notice them. One of our on-campus chaplains is a Norbertine, and we've had others visit now and then, which makes a strong presence for a little-known order. (Have I ever mentioned the beautiful variety of chaplains we have? -- A diocesan priest, a Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Norbertine, all living with us and being our spiritual fathers.) In addition to that, campus is within easy driving distance of the sisters' monastery in Tehachapi, which is really what made visiting them feasible before the beginning of sophomore year. And again at Easter, and a couple of times this summer. 

     It's funny, because as indecisive as I am, I never once wavered in my decision to go to TAC (which, by the way, I made when I was nine years old). I'd often wondered why I was so certain about that one aspect of my life, and discovering my vocation to the Norbertine order gave me the answer. God put me in the perfect position to be open and available to receive His call. I would never have come to California otherwise, and now I'll be spending the rest of my life there. So nothing was an accident, or a weird fluke. The Holy Spirit drew my heart west before I realized what was happening.

     Saying goodbye to my family this summer was really hard, and saying goodbye to school was hard too. Especially right now that the school year has already begun, and my friends are telling me about their new classes and tutors, there is a bit of a feeling of being left out. I think that'll go away once I get settled at the monastery, though. I'm "left out" now, but soon I will be included in something greater. This in-between period is weird, but I guess that happens with any transition.

     Anyway, it was a wonderful and prayerful summer, and I really am ready for my entrance, with apprehensions about it only coming up occasionally. I know God's got me, and so does my confirmation saint, St. Therese, who was also a cloistered nun! If she can do it, so can I, with her prayers. And a lot of other people's prayers.

To my graduating class at TAC

Dear TAC Class of 2021,

     We’ve been through a lot together. Freshman year we had two different campus evacuations, not to mention all of the changes that came with opening the Northfield campus. Sophomore year we had, well, sophomore year, and an extra-big freshman class under us, and many good people who left our class for different reasons.

     I can honestly say that for almost two years, I never thought I would be one of the ones to leave our class. Not until Easter break did it even become a possibility. It is bittersweet to be leaving all of you, who are wonderful people and have taught me so much. And as sudden as my decision was, it was partly my fault; I’d been telling God this whole year that I was okay with leaving school if that was what He wanted. He took me seriously. I guess that’s how God works. If you give Him everything, He takes everything. I won’t pretend that there wasn’t a small part of me inside that regretted telling Him I wasn’t attached to getting a degree. But it’s better this way. Now I can pray for all of you as you finish junior and senior year and go out into the world!

     Thinking about our class, as much of a challenge as we’ve been to ourselves and the other classes, we are a good group of kids. I will miss each and every one of you. Knowing there are many of you I’ll never see again is hard, especially when I remember the good times we had inside and outside of class. But that’s the amazing thing about offering my life to God in prayer and penance: the work I’ll be doing isn’t limited by time and space the way we ourselves are. So I can be one of you spiritually, if not physically.

     To my freshman and sophomore sections and seminars, you guys are amazing and have such beautiful souls. The relationships we can develop with one another through class discussion are really unique. Thank you all for sharing some of yourselves with me by being a part of my intellectual formation. You have touched my life in a way that I probably don’t even realize yet. Thank you for your patience and charity toward me during our archeological digs for the Truth. If I am any good at living in community as a nun, it will be in large part due to your examples of love for God and neighbor.

     To those I never had in class, I’m sorry I missed the opportunity to learn with you and from you. But thank you for our conversations outside of class, many of which were equally as educational for me. I hope I made a small difference in your lives, just as I hope my life from here on out can affect yours for the better.

     All of you, Class of 2021, are beautiful people so full of love and life and an energy I always admired. There is so much love for one another within our class. I know that all of you will go on to do amazing things after TAC. You can’t be such a dynamic and enthusiastic group for nothing! You give me confidence that our generation really can change the world. I know that you will.

     It has been an honor to be a member of this class. I actually almost graduated high school a year early and came to TAC a year early, before deciding to wait. I think that was because God wanted me to be with you. Looking back, it seems indubitable that I came to TAC specifically to find my vocation. And God knew what He was doing, putting me into a group of people like you! Each of you can be confident that you helped me discover God’s will for my life, in some small way at least. I hope that I have done the same for you, in some small way at least. For me, college was more a “school of the Lord’s service” than a place for secondary education. The maturity, emotional and spiritual, that I have gained here are doubtless what allowed me to respond to God’s call. His ways truly are mysterious, and truly are wonderful.

     Best of luck for your junior and senior years. I will be praying for you all, and I know you will be successful in whatever you end up doing. Please pray for me as well. May we meet again in Heaven.

     Maria

A Love Story

     Anyone who knows me knows uncertainty scares me. I'm terrible at making decisions and I'm afraid of commitment for the most part. So how am I ever going to find a religious community to join, let alone actually join one?
     Well, God took care of that for me a long time ago, without my realizing it.
     And now here I am, preparing to enter the Norbertine order as a Canoness of the Bethlehem Priory of St. Joseph. Not only joining a convent, but leaving college to do so. That's a pretty drastic decision. But really, it wasn't my decision. It was God's decision, and He made it a long time ago. He just showed it to me over Easter.

     I feel as though my life has always been a puzzle, with pieces strewn here and there, and I didn't know they were connected or even that there was a puzzle. But God knew, and he put all the pieces in front of me. The solution was right there, but it took one intense Triduum and a few nuns to show me how to solve it. And now it all makes sense, and I am amazed I didn't see it before; but maybe I wasn't meant to see it before.
     The Norbertine Order fits my personality perfectly. I would say that it's like God took my personality and interests and made a religious order out of them, but it's more the other way around: He took an order and made a person to belong to it. Now I know why I never felt at home in other orders: there was still one out there for me! I never imagined it would be this, well, easy to join a convent. They say that you can be pretty confident you're doing God's will when you start doing it and obstacles just kind of...melt away. I've definitely experienced that so far. For example, my student debt to pay off before entering was thousands of dollars less than I expected it to be. Thank you, TAC financial aid! Other such small things have occurred which indicate, it seems to me, that I'm on the right track.
     Obviously, it's going to be difficult in a lot of ways. One of the few disadvantages of a large family is I'm leaving a lot behind when I leave the world! I will never be around to watch my nieces and nephews grow up and I'll never go to the weddings of the rest of my siblings. But at the same time, what a deep and profound spiritual bond I can have with my family members and friends, as I give up my whole life in prayer and penance for them and for the world! I will be like their full-time spiritual tech support. Frankly, I will be a lot more useful to them than in any other circumstance.
     This whole year leading up to the discovery of my vocation has been a lesson in love. Freshman year for me was all about learning to trust God, and in a similar way the theme of sophomore year was learning to love. Love God, love other people, love myself, love life and the joys and sufferings that come with it. Learning to love every minute He gives me and live it to the fullest. It is through love that we have life and "have it abundantly".
     Learning to love will be a slow process for me. It's a good thing you don't have to already be holy to enter a convent! I have so much to learn from my Sisters, and they - God bless them - will have a lot to put up with from me. One of the sisters told me their community would be a challenge for me, but I wonder if I might end up as more of a challenge for them! Praise God for His mercy in giving us the grace to live out our vocation well; otherwise, I think it would be next to impossible.
     I am terrified yet excited to begin this new adventure. It takes a lot of faith going into something with so many unknowns, but God has gotten me this far and if I just follow, He'll lead me where I need to go. Prayers for me during my preparation and entrance would be greatly appreciated. Saying good-bye to the world is hard, and saying hello to religious life will probably be just as hard, but it will be worth it! After all, the Lord tells us to leave our families and everything behind to follow Him. It's easier said than done, but with the help of a multitude of prayers and plenty of grace from God, I know I can do it.

Summertime!

Well hello, world!
It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote a blog post!
     Freshman year has come and gone, and I am a little in shock looking back and seeing how fast it went. So much has happened in the past year, but it hardly feels like any time has passed! I have learned a lot about God and the world and other people and myself. I have met countless new and beautiful people, and thought of and talked about things I never thought of or talked about before. I got to experience the true Catholic life--living every day according to the liturgical calendar--and learned to value the Mass and the Sacraments in a new and better way. I read dozens of ancient books written by great and thoughtful men, and discussed them with great and thoughtful tutors and classmates. I had the new and different experience of meeting people who know only me, and not my whole family (which is weird for a big-family Catholic homeschooler). I was reminded again and again of the hugeness of the world and the littleness of my own experience of it. I learned to appreciate so many small things I took for granted before: a breathtaking view, a quiet library, good food, laughing with friends, saying good-night to my family, dancing to loud music late at night, kneeling in the still chapel while the sunlight slants in through the windows high above my head. I was unambiguous about my excitement for college before. But nothing could have prepared me for how absolutely wonderful it has been so far. It exceeded my expectations in every way.
     And now I am spending a quiet summer working and resting before the craziness of sophomore year. It is such a strange feeling to be "visiting" home and have school be the place I go back to at the end of break. It certainly makes me want to enjoy this summer as much as possible. It's like a three-month retreat for my brain. And heaven knows my brain needs it! Being home from college gives me an opportunity to look back on the year and realize how truly amazing of a year it was. And to prepare for next year, so I can learn even more and make even better habits and friends and memories. The past year has really motivated me to simplify my life--to own less stuff, make fewer plans, and focus only on what is important: God and my family and my friends.
     Such is my frame of mind going into this summer, and such hopefully will still be my frame of mind going into sophomore year. With the grace of God and the help of the saints, we journey on upward!

Walk for Life San Francisco

Every year, TAC leads the Walk for Life in San Francisco, so in January we hopped on a bus and drove up for a crazy weekend in the crazy city!

It was a really cool experience being the ones to lead the walk and know what was going on. We walked past a lot of counter-protestors, some of whom were pretty aggressive, but we were all singing and laughing. Everyone involved in the walk was cheerful and helpful, and they were so grateful for the College coming up to give the witness of young people standing up for the truth. It was definitely a pilgrimage of sorts--sleeping on a gym floor with two hundred other people and no showers--but as usual, the pilgrimage was worth it. And it was really nice marching for life in beautiful sunny weather as opposed to a blizzard!

2017 in Review

Happy New Year! It's always fun to take a look back on the previous year month by month.

January.
In January I went on a five-day vocation retreat with the Nashville Dominicans, and even after the rest of the 2017, it's still one of the best things that happened this past year. I hope I can go back to visit them again soon.

February.

One of the main things I did in February was work on my writing, both my big projects and my smaller ones. It was a blessing to have so much time to do it in senior year because I have pretty much zero writing time at college!

March.

In March Patrick flew Tessie and me out to Chicago for a birthday trip. It was such a fun weekend filled with lots of walking, yummy food, and cool museums and sightseeing! I don't think I'd like to live in Chicago, but it's definitely a nice place to visit. 

April.

April saw my last homeschool dinner dance! It was a fun tradition in high school, and it's only gotten more fun in college with five dance this past semester. 

May.

I graduated! What with senior recital, open houses, and lots of other end-of-the-school-year things going on, May was a crazy time for sure. I'm still so happy to be done with high school. 

June.

My summer job (research assistant at Dad's center, GSCE) may have been boring in itself, but doing it with one of my bestest friends every day made it so much fun! We made a lot of memories in that cold, dark computer room this past summer, including but not limited to helping each other stay awake, bonding over Spotify playlists, getting frustrated with Excel, and learning more than we ever expected to about Central Asian countries. 

July.

Isabel and Matthew got married on July 8! It was awesome being a bridesmaid for their wedding, and Matt has been such a fun addition to the family!

August. 

On August 17th I became a real live TAC student--a dream I'd had for years! I expected a lot from college going in, but it's been so many times better than I ever dreamed! 

September.

I joined our school's student-led chamber choir, Chrysostomos. Here's one of our songs that we sang for All-Night Adoration in November.

October.

I got to be Tessie's Confirmation sponsor in October! It was a quick visit home, but I was so glad I was able to make it for such a special day. 

November.

For Thanksgiving Break some of us went to my friend Maddie's house in Vista, CA. It was a super fun and relaxing weekend, and so nice to hang out in a house with a family again! I have made so many wonderful new friends in college and I'm so lucky to share freshman year with them. 

The harbor in Oceanside, CA.

December.

I could mention the California fires here and all that drama, but I have something more important to remember as the highlight of December 2017: Gus and Jessie's wedding! I am so happy to have Jessie as a sister-in-law--what a great Christmas gift! As a side note, Christmas weddings are the bomb. 

So there are some of my highlights from the year 2017! Thanks everyone for making it a great year, and here's to a fantastic 2018!

Gratitude

     It's been a crazy time, that's for sure. TAC decided to end the semester early, so we have finals week once we get back in January. While none of the buildings on campus were damaged by the fire, there is a lot to do still, including replacing the food that went bad, getting power back, and clearing out trees that were burned. I flew home early once we got the OK to do so, but some of my friends drove back to campus to grab their books and clothes. Several of them said everything surrounding campus is black and destroyed--it's really a miracle campus is okay.
     It's definitely a different Christmas break than I was expecting, what with not having any of my belongings and having an extra week of break, but it sure is nice to be at home and sleep a lot. My brain is slowly adjusting to the lack of constant California sun and the central time zone. In the meantime, I have time for things like knitting, baking, and watching TV! Crazy.
     So many people helped me in so many ways during the fires. To name the principal ones:
     Thank you to Tahlia, who graciously and calmly drove a very full car off campus that first night.
     Thank you to Leslie, who let us use her car, and to Marya, who drove us from Ventura to Ojai in Leslie's car.
     Thank you to Dominique and Lizzy, who hosted us in their adorable house in Ojai until we decided to leave for a safer area. Thank you for being our moms for those few days!
     Thank you to Mrs. Hurtado, who drove through burning areas to pick us up and take us to her house, and who hosted me for the rest of the week and drove me to the airport.
     Thank you to the several people who went into my room on campus and got the essential things to ship to me in South Dakota. You are lifesavers!
     As you can see, I have a lot to be thankful for.
     Times of crisis like this really show you what kind of people people are. And all I can really say is, I chose wonderful friends. They all stayed calm and cheerful and practical during the chaos. You learn how much you love everyone when you're in danger like that. We have an incredible community at TAC. I wouldn't change it for anything.

     As a side note, one of our chaplains told me to meditate on my death on the first Sunday of Advent. It's been a pretty prominent theme during this Advent, with everything that happened. I'm guessing that's not what he meant. :)

Fires and Finals

Christmas break is right around the corner! We put a mini Christmas tree in our room for decoration. 

We also decorated Maddie's room to surprise her when she got back from Massachusetts. 

Just the other day, campus looked like this....

And then, on Monday night, it looked like this. 

     A huge fire started at the campground right next to campus. Campus got evacuated and we all drove to a church in Ventura. Then Ventura got evacuated, and the group I was in drove to the house of some alumni in Ojai. Late into the night, we weren't sure if we were going to get told to leave Ojai too, so we drove to Goleta, CA (near Santa Barbara) at 3am. We spent a couple days hanging out in Goleta until Emily's mom picked us up and now I'm at her house in Perris. On the way, we passed by some sketchy smoke-filled areas. 

     This fire is still 0% contained so far and has ravaged through 96,000 acres last I heard. They are calling it the Thomas Fire, which we don't really appreciate, since we didn't start it. Actually, campus is totally fine, even though everything surrounding it is burnt up and there's no power. So the authorities are trying to get us all back on campus in time to have finals next week. 

Marya put it well.

     Yeah, they still want to have finals. We've been without our books since Monday and had no classes, but I guess we could still take exams, right?

     We are all eager to get back to campus--and our possessions. It's been a rough few days, but we're counting our blessings. You don't realize how much you love everyone until times like these. I'm just happy I'll be heading home to SD soon, where there is no chance of fires. Until then, we're chilling with Emily's tiny dogs and waiting to hear from TAC.

Thanksgiving Break

Over Thanksgiving I went to my friend Maddie's house in Vista, CA. It was a super fun and relaxing weekend filled with music, games, shopping, and movies galore! The weather was beautiful over Thanksgiving, so we walked by the harbor in Oceanside. It was so nice to hang out in a house with a family and eat non-school food! Maddie and her sisters took us to the Mission of San Luis Rey, the Benedictine abbey near their house, and some fun places to walk around. Our train back to campus on Sunday left at 5:40am, but we didn't let that stop us from having a great time. Being back on campus was nice, too, though--it's weird how quickly we started to miss everyone. It's so good to have good friends.

Section Dinner

First of all, I have a Public Service Announcement: my section (Section 1) is the best freshman section at TAC this year. It's objective.
Now that you know that, I'll recount a fun thing my section did this week...section dinner! Each freshman section goes to dinner at the house of one of their tutors, co-hosted by another tutor. We got two of our favorite tutors for section dinner, and it was such a fun night! It was really nice to be at a house again, eat homemade food, play with little kids, and just relax. We love hanging out together. On the way back to campus, we blasted Christmas music. And later that night, my choir sang for All-Night Adoration, which we have every First Friday.
Now we have a relaxing weekend, with our theology paper due in two weeks. We had no classes on All Saints Day (perks of Catholic school), so we're in a bit of an academic lull, which is nice. Every day it gets better. It's crazy how fast freshman year is going! What a blessing to be here.

End of the Summer

Two more weeks until I move to California and start college!!!
Lots of fun things have been happening in the meantime.

Jack, the sweetest tomcat around

driving to Sioux Falls for a shopping trip

fun on SDSU campus

Katie came over and we accidentally coordinated

Farmer's Market fun with mom's new bike

Shakespeare Camp 2017 - performance day photos

Photos from the Shakespeare Camp performance are here, courtesy of Mrs. Scott!

group photo in the shirts

Tessie doing my hair

shirt signing

Marie getting her hair done (we played the same character)

Getting ready backstage!

Viola and the sea captain

Cesario (Viola) and the Duke

Maria and Sir Toby Belch

Sir Toby and Sir Andrew Aguecheek

Lady Olivia with Malvolio and the Fool

Malvolio in his yellow stockings and cross-gartering

the fool pretending to be Sir Topas the curate

Group picture backstage!

It was an amazing seven years of Shakespeare Camp. I'm so grateful that I was able to have this experience in homeschooling!

Shakespeare Camp 2017

My seventh and last Shakespeare Camp was as wonderful as ever! This year we put on Twelfth Night. Here is a synopsis of the plot:

     Viola is shipwrecked on the coast of Illyria and she comes ashore with the help of a captain. She lost contact with her twin brother, Sebastian, whom she believed to be drowned. Disguising herself as a young man under the name Cesario, she enters the service of Duke Orsino through the help of the sea captain who rescues her. Duke Orsino has convinced himself that he is in love with Olivia, whose father and brother have recently died, and who refuses to see charming things, be in the company of men, and entertain love or marriage proposals from anyone, the Duke included, until seven years have passed. Duke Orsino then uses 'Cesario' as an intermediary to profess his passionate love before Olivia. Olivia, however, forgetting about the seven years in his case, falls in love with 'Cesario', as she does not realize the Duke's messenger is a woman in disguise. In the meantime, Viola has fallen in love with the Duke Orsino, creating a love triangle between Duke Orsino, Olivia and Viola: Viola loves Duke Orsino, Duke Orsino loves Olivia, and Olivia loves Viola disguised as Cesario.

     In the comic subplot, several characters conspire to make Olivia's pompous steward, Malvolio, believe that Olivia has fallen for him. This involves Olivia's uncle, Sir Toby Belch; another would-be suitor, a silly squire named Sir Andrew Aguecheek; her servants Maria and Fabian; and her fool, Feste. Sir Toby and Sir Andrew engage themselves in drinking and revelry, thus disturbing the peace of Olivia's house until late into the night, prompting Malvolio to chastise them. Sir Toby famously retorts, "Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?" (Act II, Scene III) Sir Toby, Sir Andrew, and Maria are urged to plan revenge on Malvolio. They convince Malvolio that Olivia is secretly in love with him by planting a love letter, written by Maria in Olivia's handwriting. It asks Malvolio to wear yellow stockings cross-gartered, to be rude to the rest of the servants, and to smile constantly in the presence of Olivia. Malvolio finds the letter and reacts in surprised delight. He starts acting out the contents of the letter to show Olivia his positive response. Olivia is shocked by the changes in Malvolio and leaves him to the contrivances of his tormentors. Pretending that Malvolio is insane, they lock him up in a dark chamber. Feste visits him to mock his insanity, both disguised as a priest and as himself.
     Meanwhile, Sebastian (who had been rescued by his friend Antonio, a brigand who Orsino wants arrested) arrives on the scene, which adds confusion of mistaken identity. Mistaking Sebastian for 'Cesario', Olivia asks him to marry her, and they are secretly married in a church. Finally, when 'Cesario' and Sebastian appear in the presence of both Olivia and Orsino, there is more wonder and confusion at their similarity. At this point, Viola reveals her disguise and that Sebastian is her twin brother. The play ends in a declaration of marriage between Duke Orsino and Viola, and it is learned that Sir Toby has married Maria. Malvolio swears revenge on his tormentors and stalks off, but Orsino sends Fabian to placate him. (source)

     

     I played the part of Olivia for the second half of the play. (We have a custom of splitting parts because so many people sign up for the camp.) I was one of three seniors this year, and we had a great time at our last camp. There are some promising actors emerging from the younger kids! I hope I'm able to come back and visit and/or help with future camps.
     And now, a large jumble of pictures from my phone.

     I'll post pictures of the actual play later!