I spent last week in Gower, MO visiting the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles. It was a fruitful and enlightening visit, and I learned so much!
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| Flying into Kansas City. |
I didn't quite know what to expect going in, as I had never spent significant time with a contemplative community. The idea of contemplative life was very attractive to me, though, so I went in with an open mind.
The first thing that struck me was the silence. I had experienced monastic silence before, but not to this degree. And I found it to be liberating. Your mind is so much freer to focus on your work and prayer when it isn't interrupted by conversation. The loudest sounds throughout the day are the bell and the laughter of the sisters. As a naturally very quiet person, it gave me a sense of peace.
Chanting the full Office in Latin had an otherworldly quality, to me. Even when chanting on a single tone, the act of singing rather than speaking the Psalms seems more prayerful, as you have more time to focus on the words you're repeating. And to sing the Office in the language of the Church which has been used for thousands of years simply makes sense. Pray the ancient prayers of the Church in the ancient language of the Church.
Work is a big part of Benedictine spirituality. I was a little doubtful about that aspect of it, as anyone could tell you I'm much more of an intellectual than a worker. But when nestled in between hours of time in the chapel, eight times a day, the work becomes an extension of the prayer. Since we worked in silence, there was plenty of opportunity for reflection and meditation while working. My favorite job I had was helping make the habits for the postulants whose Investiture is coming up.
It was a joy to attend Mass in the Extraordinary Form every day that week. I plan to go to EF daily Mass in college, and since we don't have that opportunity at home, it was nice to get back into the rhythm of it.
Speaking of rhythm, that's really the most prominent quality of monastic contemplative life. It took me a few days to adjust to the pace of life there, but once I did, the consistent rhythm of it was peaceful and comforting. I learned so much about religious life just by participating in the sisters' life. It was definitely a "hands-on" sort of experience, and I am thankful for that. The sisters aren't afraid of work, they aren't afraid of silence, and they aren't afraid of prayer. I found myself looking at the postulants in the chapel, and thinking how much courage they have to give up the comforts of the world in order to live this life, completely directed towards God. Nothing binds them there but love.
This visit gave me a lot to think about. As far as my discernment is concerned, I am only more confident than ever that going to college is the right thing to do and that TAC is the best place I could be to continue discerning. So that's a relief. But it is hard to trust God and seemingly wait around for Him to show me what to do. From visiting the Benedictines, my suspicions were confirmed that I am more suited to contemplative life than to active life. But specifically being a Benedictine...I don't know if I could aspire to those heights. I think I may be too much of an academic to sincerely throw myself into a life so centered on manual labor. It would certainly be a great privilege to find out I'm called there! The sisters are so beautiful and inspiring. My visit to them has made me a better Catholic, for sure. And maybe, for now, that's all I need to focus on.
